Friday will mark the second month in my locking exploit. I must say that the past month has particularly been difficult. Anxiety has been a close enemy of mine-- not just over the matter of my hair locking but over the school year that is ahead of me. This summer has brought a downpour of graces, involving me being awarded with two fellowships that will fully fund my grad program, and the offer of two jobs as a research assistant and teaching assistant. Of course, it would be logical to think that one is perfectly competent and fitting for possessing such status; but I can't help but be afraid that I might not meet my own standard, or the standard at which I am perceived by my faculty... or that I'll just plain fuck it all up. I'm trying to be positive, trying to tell myself that I am deserving of these rewards because of my five years of hard work at the undergraduate level, and trying to capture the negativity with self love. But it's so hard and too much to manage at times. There are moments when I feel so strong, motivated and eager to encounter the upcoming year. And there are other moments during which I feel so small, cowardly and meek. I can't let this anxiety stagnate me. That would be the worst thing for me to do. I have to keep going and take it slowly.
I walked the public labyrinth in downtown Toronto on Monday. It allowed me to transpose my anxiety into physicality, with kinetic energy, walking the winding path as if it were the depths of my twisted heart, walking through the mirages, past the trolls and through the murk of my feelings of inadequacy. I reached the center, which was so clearly defined in fixity, steadfastness and prominence. And as I stood in the flower of the labyrinth, I could see over all of the insidiously winding circuits that had led me to such a vantage point, knowing that it had been worth it all.
Interestingly, this all applies to my venture of locking my hair.
The labyrinth in Toronto Trinity Square Park
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